The Quest for COOL vs. The Freedom of Letting Go
We, especially North American's, use the word cool a lot. "Ah that's cool" is, almost a substitute for neat, interesting, exciting, etc. A T-shirt can be cool, and so can a restaurant, "it's a pretty cool spot".
But the cool I am interested in talking about in this blog, is the state of being, the status, or maybe for some even the identity.
I know for sure I have felt it at different times and I'd wager a bet that if you were honest, you too had felt a desire or pull to be cool. But underneath it all, I think it is often a will to be accepted. In other words, to NOT be lonely, isolated, or on the outside. I am sure there are exceptions, but for the sake of this blog, this is the particular variety of cool I am going to be talking about.
When I first think of this kind of cool, I think of High School, à la mean girls variety. You know, hormonal youth confused in their own identities and wanting to belong. But what’s interesting is that this behaviour does not leave or disappear as we move into adulthood, but rather I think it sometimes just becomes more covert.
In this sense, Cool nearly becomes a set of unspoken rules or a suit of armour against vulnerability. For example: if I seem indifferent, I cannot get hurt.
It’s the voice in our heads saying:
“Don’t text back so quick
“Don't use so many exclamation points!!!
“Don't wear that sweater in public
“Go to the dinner, even though you can’t afford it
And so so so many other things!
But all of these rules, these unspoken expectations, I believe, pop up because we deeply want to belong, to be accepted. The irony, or the sad reality, is that they can easily keep us from really being ourselves and creating the connections we most crave.
In other words, the quest for cool, which let's be clear, I think comes from a genuine place of wanting to belong, actually hinders people's capacity to meaningfully connect and feel a true sense of belonging.
So What Do We Do?
The true irony is that the more comfortable we are with ourselves, the more naturally magnetic we are to other people. Seems like a bit of a closed circle right? Especially if we are more comfortable with the support of other people?
My go-to gal, Brené Brown, gives a great example of two distinct ways we can enter new spaces. I feel they can also be understood as a much broader approach to life and to letting go of our quest for cool.
Seeking Acceptance:
So imagine showing up at an event, with new people, or folks who you haven't seen in years. She explains that a super common, and valid way to enter the space, is with the primary goal of being accepted. This might look like laughing easily at others' jokes, not rocking the boat if an opinion you disagree with arises, or using self-deprecating humour.
Being True to Yourself
The second option she gives is that you enter intending to stay true to yourself; the mantra she repeats to herself is: “don’t puff up, don’t shrink”. So, no time or energy toward competition like conversations where folks are trying to outdo one another, who’s holiday was the most spectacular, who had the crazier story, but also not minimizing or avoiding the things that feel true and important to you.
While Brené uses these examples in the context of entering new spaces or meeting new people, I have found myself repeating this mantra as I reconnect with friends and family who I haven’t seen in years.
My knee-jerk reaction, when asked “so why life coaching?” is to keep things smooth and easy, don’t rock the boat, minimize and move on. But with a few deep breaths and a renewed sense of confidence. I remember to not puff up or shrink, to not exaggerate my success, but to speak to why I have fallen in love with coaching. To share why it feels like such a gift and a privilege to get to do this work, to hold space for peoples dreams to come to life, and to support clients to clearly and confidently take action in ways they maybe never thought possible.
In a nutshell, the seek acceptance vs. the stay true to yourself objectives mightn’t feel super different, but the most important part is that with the latter, stay true to myself, is that we have the power to determine the outcome, the success of an interaction doesn't rest in anyone else's hands but our own.
From this, you can increase a sense of pride and confidence in knowing you achieved your goal, and the only person it depends on is you. There is something immensely powerful about that.
Now, let's be clear, it will not always be perfect or easy, and this is why self-compassion and meeting yourself with a curious kindness is so important. But also, to look at it as a journey and keep moving forward is key!
In all honesty, the first time I answered "so why coaching?" to a sceptical pal, I shrunk a little, I minimized, but I caught myself and took a deep breath, and did my best to forgive myself.
We Have No Control Over What Other People Think
Another way to sum this up, perhaps a bit more bluntly, is that no matter how hard we try we cannot MAKE anyone like us. We have zero control over how people feel about us. To release the effort spent trying is to free so much time, space and energy for yourself. So even if it is tough, I think it is well worth the ongoing effort.
I say this as someone who has spent a LOT of time seeking acceptance from others. We moved a lot as kids, it’s something that in hindsight I am grateful for and has given me a skillset to adapt to new situations with a certain level of comfort in the uncomfortable. But for years, this meant entering new spaces almost exclusively seeking acceptance.
One of my first friends, after a big move, told me to stop apologizing so much for everything. But that was how I tried not to rock the boat when I was so nervous. However, the more I came to know who I was as an individual, what mattered to me, the more I became comfortable in new scenarios, I had a trust that I had done this before, and I could do it again. That doesn’t mean in every scenario I have made amazing friends, but it means that when I haven’t, I have been able to let go and recognize that this wasn’t because I am a failure or terrible company, it just wasn’t meant to be in that scenario, they weren't my people!
Letting go of the need for others acceptance, and shifting to prioritizing being true to myself is an ongoing practice for me. I am sure some people naturally do not give a f*ck about what anybody else thinks about them, and that’s amazing! But for me, it is a practice and it is a conscious effort to continue to check myself, to acknowledge the stories I am telling myself and to let go of the ones that are not true or serving me.
Realizing and Accepting it's Not About You!
One of the big things that is important for us to also recognize, is that someone's behaviour is often not about us at all! In other words, a lot of shitty behaviour is born out of insecurity.
Negative behaviour, be it gossip or direct insults, is almost always a negative reflection of someone's own experience and insecurity, their attempt to belong or to be cool at the expense of others and often has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Being able to actively gain this kind of perspective can be so liberating. People who feign indifference, almost explicitly share stories of how someone has failed, create an aura of exclusivity around themselves or knock someone else's success are folks who, in the past, I likely would have worked to be accepted by! But, increasingly so, I can now recognize that this is not about me at all, and in some cases, this isn’t even the company I want to be keeping. And that my friends, is pretty liberating!
I speak more about building meaningful connections in my last blog, What is Home but I want to remind you, that while sharing vulnerable moments with pals is one of the foundational elements to building trust and creating strong friendships, it is also a privilege to be on the receiving end of those shares, not everyone deserves that right, and if people have shown you time and again that they do not, it is okay to stop sharing with them.
Please know that I share my experiences, learnings, and what has worked for me, with the hope that these perspectives and suggestions will support you to build a life you feel more excited, clear and confident every day.
If this post has felt supportive for you, it would mean the world to me if you shared it with a friend or let me know your thoughts, always happy to receive questions, comments or inquires about how we can work together! ♡
