Letting Go of Others’ Expectations.
In working with a coach myself I realized that I had internalized so many unspoken expectations. These unspoken expectations kept me feeling stuck, scared, and unable to take action toward my dreams.
In this blog, I will share my own experiences of letting go of others' expectations, some common trends I have seen as a coach, and some suggestions for how you can work through identifying and letting go of others' expectations.
Stuck in Unspoken Expectations
One of the best examples of this for me, is that I almost did a Ph.D. In fact, at one stage, I almost did a second Master's as I thought it would be helpful before starting a Ph.D. I almost did all of these things because I had become so tunnel-visioned, so influenced by the perceived expectations of my role models, who were primarily academics. I wanted to be successful, and this was the only way I thought I could.
What I did not realize at the time was that I wanted the impact, the passion, the purpose, the community of like-minded individuals supporting one another to create positive change in the world. I had so deeply interwoven these things with academia that I thought to have them in my life in a long-term way, I had to follow the roadmap of my mentors, I had to take on their idea of success, I had to become a professor.
I can now meet myself with kindness and clarity of hindsight. I can see that I looked up to my mentors and role models. I saw them living in their power, shining so bright, and having a meaningful impact on the world. So I wanted to use THEIR roadmap to success. But, each of us is unique, and with time and reflection, I realized that the academic lifestyle was not compatible with the things I knew I needed to feel my best.
The trouble with this realization was that I started to feel guilty for not living up to my role models' standards and expectations. In working with a coach I realized I had put so much pressure on myself to follow in their shoes. I had convinced myself that they expected me to, that if I did not become a professor, I would let them down.
As much as other people put us in boxes, we too tend to put ourselves in a box, and I had comfortably been living with the identity that, “I might become a professor”. It made my ego feel good, it made my parents proud, it was what my mentors had done, it was a simple answer that people seemed to respect, BUT it wasn’t what I truly wanted, and admitting that (even just to myself) felt SCARY!
This fear was one of the reasons I was so nervous to announce to the world that I was pursuing coaching because it broke those unspoken expectations that I’d become a professor. I was STUCK in fear of others' unspoken expectations because I was so used to replication others' ideas of success.
How can I be so sure I built it up in my head? I sent an email updating one former professor, and they graciously responded, happy to hear I was doing well but, also clearly said 'you do not have to apologize for not doing your Ph.D.' OH! Really? Okay! Amazing!
Common Patterns of Taken on Others’ Expectations:
I almost committed 4-5 years of my life to a Ph.D. because I thought I was supposed to. I had internalized these unspoken expectations and that this would lead me to success and happiness! This is just ONE example of how I internalized some of the many expectations that come at us on a day-to-day basis.
There are so many ways that expectations can influence our behaviour. One of the major distinctions I have witnessed is between spoken and perceived expectations. In my example above, the expectations were perceived. I had placed these restrictions on myself to meet standards that I THOUGHT others were holding for me, to try and emulate their version of success.
Other common examples I see of people internalizing expectations are that they’re supposed to:
Get a “real job”
Earn a certain amount of money
Buy a house
Have kids
Let me be clear; none of these are inherently “bad things”! Rather, my point is that if you are doing something, or working toward something because you feel like you are supposed to, that you "should", or that you'll let someone else down if you don’t, it might be a good idea to pause and check-in with yourself. Part of my work is supporting folks to define success on their own terms and confidently take steps toward achieving it!
All of the above could also be spoken expectations, perhaps from a parent, a partner, a close friend or a role model. Society as a whole is also built on consistently trying to create and re-create expectations so that we buy more, work harder, consume more, and never feel like we’re enough.
Regardless of what kind of expectation you’re feeling the pressure off, it can be intense and keep us feeling stuck!
How to let go of Others’ Expectations:
Developing a practice to connect with yourself and get clear on what truly matters to you is arguably one of the most impactful ways to continue to move forward with a sense of calm, clarity and confidence.
I always highly recommend gifting yourself intentional time and space. But if letting go of others' expectations feels relevant for you, I invite you to consider using some of the journal prompts below as starting points for yourself!
1. Awareness:
The first major step to any change is getting clearer on how things are right now. By this, I mean increasing your awareness, and recognition, of when, where, and how others' expectations are already influencing your behaviour.
Is there anything you do/ are doing because you feel like you're 'supposed to', that 'you should'?
("Should" is a HUGE indicator that there is an expectation attached, and can be an easy way to tune into these early on)
Is there anything you’re doing because, if you don't, you fear you will let someone else down?
2. Gently Let Go:
It can be really easy to get caught up in fear, in all of the reasons things could go wrong if you do not meet others’ expectations. Meeting yourself when kindness, when you increase your awareness, is crucial to create change rather than intensifying the situation for yourself!
What can I do to support myself to let go?
What stories am I telling myself? Are they true?
If I let go of this expectation what would actually happen?
If I let go of this expectation what would I have more time for?
3. Get Clear on our Feelings
I feel this may be the most important part --> checking in with our feelings.
It is so common for people to achieve a milestone and still feel unfulfilled, especially when the milestone was an expectation that was set for you, rather than by you! In contrast, if we get clear on HOW something makes us feel, as well as how we WANT to feel, upon achieving a milestone we are more likely to feel a sense of satisfaction and completion. Not to mention, we will likely enjoy the journey itself even more!
How would it feel if I _____ (met the expectation → got the job, bought the house, had kids etc.)?
Is this how I want to feel?
How do I want to feel every day?
What do I already do that makes me feel that way, and what can I do to support that feeling to grow?
Please know that I share my experiences, learnings, and what has worked for me, with the hope that these perspectives and suggestions will support you to build a life you feel more excited, clear and confident every day.
If this post has felt supportive for you, it would mean the world to me if you shared it with a friend or let me know your thoughts, always happy to receive questions, comments or inquires about how we can work together! ♡
