Making Friends with Fear
Making Friends with Fear
Broadly speaking; there are two types of fear:
The imminent danger of a real threat (e.g. being chased by a wild animal)
A perceived threat (e.g. the embarrassment of potentially bombing a presentation in front of a room full of people).
It is frustrating that we use the same word to describe the two types of fear, as one is tangible in the world and the other perceived. Yet, the reality is that our physiological response, how we feel fear in our bodies, remains the same. Think of a tightening of the chest, shortness of breath, a quickening of heart rate and rapid-fire thoughts.
Our Desire to Avoid Fear
Given these physiological responses to fear, it is natural to understand that fear is something most would prefer to avoid!
Sometimes this desire to avoid fear shows up in my clients' language in direct statements like I don't want to be scared. Other times it is more from a desire to achieve what they perceive fear is holding them back from I just want to be confident, for it to feel easy, to not be scared anymore.
We are so frequently fed the story that if we can get to a certain point, we will be FREE of fear! Or in our hyper-capitalist world, our fear has been fed to increase the profits of big businesses. Far too many marketing strategies are built on profiting off of the fear of their consumers. Buy this shampoo! Download this app to lose weight! Get this ... the list goes on!
I certainly know this was how I used to feel. I was dying to be beyond fear, especially concerning sharing my work online. I knew the first time I shared a post or spoke into Instagram stories, recorded a video or even held my first online coaching session would be scary/ I would have fear.
But I thought: cool, once I do this, I will eventually get to a place where I am beyond fear!
Realising it is about our RELATIONSHIP to Fear!
A few months back, listening to one of Ellie Swift’s brilliant podcasts, where she was interviewing another coach. A coach who had successfully maintained a consistent income over the past five years but felt like they had plateaued, got comfortable and was ready to step into their next level of leadership and growth in their business.
I was out for a walk, happily listening along when both Ellie and her guest shared that in moments of stepping outside of their comfort zone, like for this coach - offering a programme that would double if not triple their income - they felt fear too.
F*CK! I had to sit down. It felt like someone had pulled a rug out from under my feet. What do you MEAN even wildly successful folks still feel fear?
What followed was one of the most important lessons I have learned, and continue to learn through my own experiences and that of my clients is that while fear will always exist, the power is in how we change our relationship to fear.
How do we Change our Relationship with Fear?
What follows are some of my thoughts and learnings, the little things I have picked up along the way, that may support you to shift this relationship for yourself too!
Increasing our awareness
When fear shows up, being ‘aware’ that it has arrived is a super important first step. It is easy to become consumed in fear. Statements like: “I’m scared” are all-consuming. Whereas something like: “I am feeling fear” creates a separation between you and the emotion. This type of distance supports perspective and helps us recognise that fear is something external to you that will pass.
Let go of the idea that it is bad to feel fear.
We have such a knee-jerk reaction to fear as bad, but if we can remember that fear comes up when we are at the edge of our comfort zone and ready to grow, it can become a powerful reminder that we are doing something that feels important to us, that this is a crucial part of the growth we crave.
Asking: What is Fear trying to tell me?
If you can: 1. Step outside of the feeling of fear and increase your awareness of when you are experiencing it, and 2. Let go of the idea that fear is bad then there is a beautiful opportunity to get curious about why fear is showing up and what it can teach us.
This might sound like: oh hello fear, welcome back, it must be time for me to expand!” Or simply, take a moment to ask yourself: “What is this fear trying to tell me?”
For me, I often feel fear surface before I share a post I am passionate about, before I get on a call with a client or before I share a new offering. I have learned this is a sign that I truly care, and that I am pushing my comfort zone.
So what does it mean to be friends with fear?
A simple analogy is that even though fear is still present, it is no longer driving the car, but rather is a passenger along for the ride. Fear becomes a little reminder or someone you can have a chat with. You can hear what they have to say, take it or leave it, but fear is no longer controlling the direction of the vehicle.
Ultimately only you will know what is right for, what changing your relationship with fear looks like for you will be unique to you.
My coach, Sammie Fleming, recently offered me the beautiful reminder that the way we feel fear and excitement in our bodies is very similar. She then invited me to consider how I can step into the excitement component as a means of moving past fear, or in other words, how can I shift fear into excitement.
There is no right answer, but giving yourself the gift of time and space, and deeply knowing that it is possible to shift your relationship with fear can be a game-changer!
If this post has felt supportive for you, it would mean the world to me if you shared it with a friend or let me know your thoughts!
If you are craving more direct support, check out my 1 on 1 coaching opportunities or pop me an email, happy to answer any questions you might have and see if coaching is the right fit for you ♡
